is your mom at the bar?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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