At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
