I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
