did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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