Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
