I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Everyone says I win the strip club
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
