I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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