I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
