I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I deserve this hangover.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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