I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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