I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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