Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
