Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
