She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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