party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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