I can text with my tongue
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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