You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
