I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
