Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
