If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
