A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
