My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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