theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
