im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
