I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
