also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
