I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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