mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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