I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
