I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
