Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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