So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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