he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
