apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
