Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
