whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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