I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
