Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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