I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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