I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
