First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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