Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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