did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
