the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
