how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
