Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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