When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
