youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
