Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
