My friends, they love my intelligence
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
