I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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