Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i've created a new STD.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
