So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
